always an angel never a god - Anonymous (2024)

Hyunjin has been going through something. He doesn't know when or why started, he simply knows that the days became longer and he almost didn't get out of bed. He avoided going to college and every excuse he could take to be home, he'd take.

However, he also hated home. He hated it because it didn't feel like home at all. Maybe it was because it's a solo dorm or because he got used to having a dog and getting woken up with licks. He didn't know.

He also hated feeling by himself, which it's what he feels mostly now. He knows he's a tiring person, someone who feels intensively, when he loves, he loves hard. His friends know it too, they know because their dearest and closest friends got used to his sweet loving persona, who always loves them the most genuine way. He is the one who is always there, replies to every text, listens and talks. He is a constant, a permanent comforting friend, who won't hesitate to go to them when they need.

Except for the past weeks, he couldn't even entertain the idea of opening every chat. He probably has 14 or more chats to answer, he ignores every TikTok video they sent him, he doesn't even open the app anymore. He sees the notifications pop up and slide to the side, he's not in the mood for these quick chats. He is not in the mood for almost anything. He doesn't watch YouTube videos when he eats (if he eats). Because, honestly, eating feels more like a chore than a necessity.

His biggest wish was to get sick so he could get time to stay home doing nothing, not that he wasn't already doing that but it's because he doesn't feel the energy to do it, he lacks it and his lack of energy has consequences that he'll have to deal with. He skipped three days of class later with no reason apparently. Not wanting and not having the will to get out of the bed is not a proper excuse.

He feels unworthy of his position in college, unworthy of his friends, unworthy of living. He feels like he's wasting oxygen. He should be doing something with his life, shouldn't he? Why can't he do it?

He desires to be a rock, anything that doesn't feel the way he feels. He desires to vanish. He wants to vanish, to delete his existence.

He only got out of the bed that day because he promised he was going to have lunch with his father, but he really doesn't want to go. Not because he doesn't miss him, but because he doesn't have the energy to talk to him. He can't put on his happy mask forever, it's more easy to distance himself from his family just like he did to his friends.

Speaking of which, he misses them. He misses them when he knows they're there, but it's not there. They don't answer him like they used to, they are not there like they used to. Maybe it's his fault because Hyunjin pushed them away, but is he wrong? They're busy, they don't have time for Hyunjin's stupid venting. It's better to stay away and only come back when he's good.

"C'mon, you're 22 years old, grow the f*ck up! Going to cry for your friends to comfort? Just because you don't have a good relationship with your parents? They're not obliged to be there all the time and you know it, they have their problems and it's not because you're there for them that they should be there for you." His mind is so loud it sounds reasonable. So, he doesn't say anything and spends his days by himself, but not actually himself.

He still doesn't fully isolate himself. He tries to talk to the person he considers his best friend, Felix, who so lovingly brightens his days, who pushes the dark side of his thoughts away and cuddles him in bed talking about everything and anything at the same time, who always knows what to do to make him feel better.

But Felix is drifting away. He doesn't need to say anything, Hyunjin feels it. He experienced this way too many times to count. He knows the signs when people are distancing themselves. Their cute exclusive nicknames start to stop coming out of their mouth, their calls are nonexistent, their chats are sporadic because the other side doesn't reply as soon as they can because they're busy and don't actually drop everything to respond.

Well, Hyunjin. Felix has his own life, get a f*cking grip!?

And he does. He stops expecting those and acts the same as always, but not changing his desire to hear his voice and experience one more time those endless conversations they only stop because they have class early in the morning. He stops expecting for this to happen but he hopes and prays he's wrong, that Felix is not tired of him yet and they have more time. His friend also comes back from time to time and acts just like before and Hyunjin knows Felix has his own sh*t to deal with, so he doesn't expect anything more.

It hurts when he simply says Hyunjin, but he still calls him Jinnie when they're alone. He doesn't say it, because it's not a problem he gets called by his normal name, it's because it's him who's calling him by his name. So many nicknames, why Hyunjin? Why only in public? He used his nicknames in public, talked about him using nicknames. He knows he's wrong to not show his discomfort about this, but he feels it's so silly and it'll pass, so he doesn't say it.

They're fine. Felix reassures him always, being the sunshine and best friend he is. He takes his time to watch videos and series with Hyunjin, who doesn't comment on how he only watches those with Felix because he doesn't have the energy to do it by himself. It's so tiring being by himself and having to do things. He mostly lay on his bed all day waiting for a message from someone, anyone, to chat or ask to do something.

Because of that there's a lot of things he only does because Felix pushes him and they don't feel like chores nor obligations, they feel like spending time with a friend who doesn't take all his energy away. It's refreshing.

They're fine and they'll stay that way.

Until Hyunjin f*cks up.

Of course he f*cks up.

He spent the day before hugging himself in bed after crying in the shower, after having the worst day of his life in a while.His anxiety was on the roof and he couldn't stop with this sting on his heart. He wanted comfort from someone, anyone. He texted his friends and they showed concern, but stopped answering as soon as they heard he got home and was safe. They stopped. Everyone was busy and Hyunjin was safe.

No. Hyunjin was not safe.

He cried by himself on the way home and in the shower, so much his face was still red and swollen when he looked at himself in the foggy mirror. He tried to smile the way he always does when he doesn't feel happy, trying to mimic his mask but the smile was broken.

This day he wouldn't fake his happiness. He decided. So, he curled up in bed, not pretending in any way in the social media or text how f*cked up he knew he was. He hugged himself, crying a little and hoping for arms to take away his pain. Physically or figuratively.

But no. His friends didn't know how to deal with his situation and he didn't either. His friends don't know what he's been going through because he doesn't know either. He missed them. f*ck, how he missed them, missed their comforting words and way to make him laugh without a care. He missed Felix too.

Felix couldn't f*cking know how he wished him to be there because he didn't f*cking say it. Felix was busy. Distracting himself from his own bad day, Hyunjin couldn't comfort him because of his own bad day.

Still, he wishes without saying. He wishes.

Wishes don't do anything.

He cries on bed and when he finally stops, he opens his social media to see Felix talking to his other friends and doing things Hyunjin wishes he was doing also. Good for him , he thinks genuinely with a smile ignoring his faint jealousy. He deserves good friends to talk to and actually function like a normal human being and don't break just because of a bad day.

He closes quickly, not wanting to think about how his best friend didn't come to hug him as soon as he heard about his bad day. He is not obligated to do it. Hyunjin didn't say he needed his hugs and still, he has his own life. It's selfish to wish for his company now. He doesn't say his wishes and they stay at that, useless prayers to a black hole who doesn't respond.

The next day, they talk a little on a video call during the night and that's it. Everything is back to normal. Right? No.

"What did you do yesterday?" Hyunjin asked simply for the sake of conversation. He loves to talk about his day, but the current Felix didn't see the need to. It's not always he talks about his day and Hyunjin feels the need to ask. They didn't live that close, Hyunjin liked to know how his friend's days went. He always asked them. It made sense to ask.

"Hm? Oh, I spent the day with Binnie watching some romantic 2000 movies, it was great." Felix said and Hyunjin saw the smile on Felix's face, his own smile trembling as he felt his heart drop.

He spent the day crying wishing for Felix's company and he spent it with someone else, doing what they did. Their thing was to watch those romantic movies. Their friendship literally got stronger because of their same taste in movies and love for the 00's romance movies. He did something that was theirs with someone else. On the worst day of his life that he spent alone.

"Binnie?" he asked and tilted his head, acting curious despite the raw hurt and fury rising inside him. They were on nickname basis now?

"Yeah, Changbin. I told you about him, I met him one of these days." Felix said and Hyunjin nodded, feeling strings pulling his heart now.

"You spent the day with him, cuddling and watching those movies?" Hyunjin asked, not faking his tone enough to hide his hurt feelings. Wanting for Felix to say 'No', we didn't cuddle. At least something should remain theirs, at least something…

Felix stayed silent for some time, probably noticing the change of tone but not catching any change of expression on his face. Hyunjin was good at controlling his expression when needed, perks of growing up as the kid who grew up on their own to not upset their parents.

"Yes, we watched on his bed. He's really soft and warm, you'd love to cuddle with him." Felix smiled, this time a more reassuring smile that usually worked to dismiss Hyunjin's jealousy. Not this time though.

"You didn't even say to me you're going to watch movies with him at his house." Like you used to do with me, he wanted to add.

Felix's smile dropped and a frown took place, together with a harsh tone. "Well, it's not like I'm obligated to warn you everywhere and why I go, Hyunjin."

Hyunjin's breath hitched. He's right, he's not obligated. His fury and jealousy disappear in an instant and he drops his head.

"Yes, I know. I'm sorry, it's just silly. Silly jealousy. You can watch movies with whoever you desire."

"No, it's not silly. It's ok to be jealous, but this…" Felix shook his head and looked to the side before looking at the screen. "It's kinda unhealthy."

Time stopped and Hyunjin widened his eyes. Felix called their friendship unhealthy? Or he was… Unhealthy?

He was fine. He was, really…

"I'm fine, Lix. It was a silly jealousy and you're right. But it's not unhealthy."

Felix gave a small chuckle, denying with his head and crossing his arms. Hyunjin saw in that moment, tons of feelings not spoken by him. Felix had things he wanted to say and yet, he simply sighed. He didn't say. "Fine, whatever you say, you're the one who feels, right? I still think it's unhealthy and you should solve it on your own."

Hyunjin remained silent, glaring at the screen without his mask. His tired swollen eyes showed more without a smile. "I'm fine, Felix. I said that I'm fine and I'm fine."

"Fine then." and there . Felix poked his tongue on his cheek before ending the call. Hyunjin knew he was upset with him and that showed. Felix did not answer his texts while he was pretty much online posting and talking with his friends.

Hyunjin didn't know why he acted the way he did. He usually doesn't mind Felix's friends and controls his jealousy. He does not know why he felt so hurt. It was a movie. Dumb movies he associated with Felix. He denied watching any movie of their list with someone else, even if he desired, he just let go the next day Felix and he would be together.

Was this unhealthy? He asked himself. He thought it was normal, he lived his life this way and was really loyal to his promises, he once promised to watch with Felix this list so he'd only watch with him. Maybe it was a bit unhealthy.

He never told Felix those things. How he cherished and treated these movies and time because it was theirs. Felix had the right to watch with anyone he wanted and he was glad he found someone, a friend, who also enjoyed watching it.

Still, it hurts. Hurts because he made his best friend upset with his uncontrollable feelings. Since when did he lose control of something so personal? Since when he started to keep his feelings off sight? Why? Why was he feeling so sad and lonely? Why did his loneliness make him cry so hard?

During times of need he needs someone to talk to, otherwise he feels like he's going to explode and die. Usually it was Felix, but today it couldn't be. He called Minho and it was a matter of time until he was knocking on his door with no questions asked. It was midnight and yet, Minho was there. He was someone Hyunjin knew he could count with, but felt shy to talk to. Considering, well… Their past.

Minho was Hyunjin's ex and probably the person he loved the most genuinely. After months, Minho fell out of love and broke up with Hyunjin in a friendly manner. Hyunjin almost didn't cry that day because he felt it coming. He noticed the signs of Minho drifting away but pretended he didn't see it. Like he said before, he's used to it but it doesn't make it any less painful. Despite his lack of tears, he grieved for the relationship while they continued their friendship. They didn't have that many conflicts when they dated, they were friends before boyfriends. They actually talked about their emotions and chose to spend time together, having dates didn't feel like an obligation, it was natural. It was probably one of the healthiest relationships Hyunjin ever had in his life, which is why he trusts Minho with his eyes closed and why he called him.

"Hey, baby. How are you?" he asked as soon as he stepped into the dorm and Hyunjin broke, crying and telling him everything.

Minho was a quick thinker and did not waste any time in hugging Hyunjin tight in a way that told him "I'm here." He caressed Hyunjin's back while Hyunjin told him everything in his heart, about his discussion with Felix and his feelings.

Minho cleaned his tears carefully and guided them to sit on his bed, Hyunjin hiccuped as his friend gave him tissues. "Is that all?"

"I don't know," he admitted. He really did not know. Minho's eyes softened and he adjusted himself in bed so Hyunjin could launch himself on him. Using his chest as a pillow to cry.

"You know me, I'm the jealous type. These days I threatened to stab Seungmin with a pen." he said and Hyunjin giggled, he could see the scene of the pair of two best friends unfold in front of his eyes. Minho smiled and continued, "Maybe the way that you said or the situation, triggered Felix somehow and that's why he acted this way a bit harshly."

"Yes… It makes sense."

"And I know you. You're amazing at communicating your feelings, baby. I'm sure when you talk with Felix, it'll be solved quickly." his hand started playing with Hyunjin's hair strands and he closed his eyes.

"Hm."

They stayed silent for some time, Hyunjin enjoyed the physical touch he starved for while Minho arranged his words. "I'm sorry that something this bad happened to you and you didn't get comfort."

Hyunjin frowned but didn't say anything. He didn't like to remember the day, he felt his throat closing in anxiety.

"And I know you, Hyunjin. You love to take care of people, love to help. But don't you think you need help too?" he said and stopped playing with his hair, Hyunjin looked up to glare at him.

"What do you mean?" he asked, confused.

"What I mean is… You've been through a lot since the end of last year.'' He stayed silent for a second because it was when they broke up and things went downhill in Hyunjin's life. "And things didn't stop happening in your personal life. While you took your time to take care of others, no one took time to take care of you. Not even you. You should prioritize yourself."

It made sense, didn't it?

"I guess I should… But how?" he sighed and looked down while playing with Minho's shirt.

"Take time for yourself. Do the things you like, those types of things."

The type of things Hyunjin can't do anymore. Right.

"Will do." he half lied, he wanted to do it but didn't believe in himself enough.

"Good. You know that I'm always here for you, right?" and Hyunjin smiled, feeling part of the comfort he wished for.

"Yes. I love you, Min." he said and truly meant it. He loved Minho for being here.

"I love you more, Hyune." he said softly.

"Lying boldly like that is ugly, Minho." Hyunjin whispered teasingly.

"I don't lie to you, Hyunjin." he said a bit more seriously and Hyunjin chuckled.

"Fine, whatever you say."

They stayed in that position, Minho didn't want to go away until Hyunjin was fine and wasn't crying. Minho stayed for the night, hugging and comforting him.

Despite the effort to make his friend better, Minho had his life. They all had, so he went away and Hyunjin stayed by himself and his thoughts.

He reflected on his loneliness, his need for company and especially Felix's company, he reflected about his lack of energy, he reflected about everything. He found a void. So deeply rooted he'd almost didn't notice. He was desperately ignoring it for so long, filling with anything and anyone he could find to fill in the empty spot on his soul.

He noticed his behavior, his lack of appetite, his wish to disappear. He noticed how he pushed almost everyone away, how he didn't do the things he liked because he didn't have the energy. How many times he arranged a blank canvas and props just to stick in place, glaring at the whiteness of the canvas until he dropped the brush and laid down tiredly. How many times he just got up to do something he actually needed to do, simply because Felix told him to and he didn't want to be a nuisance to him or anyone. He didn't want to make them worry about him, he dreaded it.

These things… These behaviors… The desperate attempts of feeling happy and associating with his best friend, the one who made him forget those horrible feelings.

"It's unhealthy after all. You're unhealthy, Hyunjin." he said rhetorically and suddenly his world was gray. He cried hard, hugging himself again. Desperate for comfort and physical touch. He was lonely. He was depressed.

"I didn't even see it nor realize it. It's been so long I've even felt this way, f*ck." he cried on Minho's shoulder again layer that day, who comforted him and Seungmin, his former roommate and best friend, said something it stuck with him.

"You really self sabotaged yourself for not asking for comfort that day, any true friend would drop everything to check on you that day. It clearly affected your humor." he said and Hyunjin sniffed, feeling embarrassed and guilty.

"Seungmin! Learn to have a f*cking way with words or don't say anything. " Minho scolded him.

"I'm just saying! It's hard to keep healthy relationships, when you're not healthy, Hyune." he said a bit more softly and Hyunjin blinked slowly.

The sentence danced around his brain. His thoughts were quiet while the sentence was loud. He opened up his notes app and wrote a text. Something he sent to his closest friends, the ones he pushed away unintentionally and he missed. The ones he felt sorry for and felt the need to explain himself.

Felix also received one. They talked about it and Felix talked about a few of the things he felt. It wasn't all the things, Hyunjin thought, but now he didn't know to trust his brain, who kept thinking the worst of every situation.

It wasn't perfect, but it was honest. He got close again to his friends who so willingly embraced him in this fragile moment of his. He cried with their comforting words and also cried in the shower when he's alone.

He hated being alone but he really needed to reconstruct himself. Otherwise, his feelings would eat him up. Otherwise, he'd vanish while living.